Monster M*A*S*H
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Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye was the fifth episode of Season 10 of the CBS-TV series M*A*S*H, also the 223rd overall series episode. Written by Dennis Koenig and directed by Charles S. Dubin, it originally aired on November 16, 1981.

Synopsis[]

Angered by the peace talks going on for a year with still no end in sight, Hawkeye decides to write a protest letter to President Truman.

Full episode summary[]

Hawkeye is reading up on the latest from the peace talks, which have culminated only in agreeing on the shape of the conference table. Incensed over the reality that "more and more kids get to be teenagers forever", and that, "those idiots are fiddling while Korea burns", Hawkeye decides to take pen in hand and write a letter to President Truman himself:

"Dear Harry, I know as president you're busy stopping bucks and all, so I'll be brief: I am a doctor and Democrat, loyal Democrat now living in Korea, or as I call it, hell. I'd like to be home before winter when hell freezes over. I'm sure you're aware that peace talks are a year old and we're all a year older. I've given it a lot of thought; and call me a crackpot, but I think I've got a solution to this problem: stop the war."

In his letter, Hawkeye expounds on the silly and demoralizing goings-on in camp:

A Colonel Ditka visits to see that the 4077th has everything it needs to make things easier. Potter, Hawkeye, and Margaret all toss out different things that would help out, particularly a high-capacity water heater. Ditka is more than willing to help them out, in exchange for one thing: he mentions that top brass wants the Army "to leave this country better than we found it", so they want the units to work on beautification. Potter is in disbelief, but Ditka says they'll only get their water heater if they "go on a neighborhood improvement program".

After Ditka leaves, Potter claims that he is committing blackmail, but Margaret convinces him that to get the much-needed water heater, they have no choice but to go along. She volunteers to head the detail, and Klinger is appointed foreman. In his letter to Truman, Hawkeye muses that "putting slip covers on the landmines won't help". Nonetheless, the beautification program goes into full swing, with Klinger managing the laborers; he also hires a local boy, Kim Han, to round up bushes and plants from the nearby hills.

Meanwhile, an annoyed Father Mulcahy gets a memo from his "superior in name only" at HQ demanding to know what he is doing about the company's spiraling VD rate. Mulcahy states that "VD is the province of an MD". Potter agrees with Mulcahy's side of the situation, and promises that the doctors will help him out - once he figures out a solution. Charles looks down his nose at the whole thing, in that the so-called men who choose to fraternize with working women get what they deserve, adding, "These men have got to learn not to practice license without a medicine". Potter, who doesn't like Charles' attitude, puts him in charge of vaccinating the local doxies, with Hawkeye permanently standing at the end of the line to keep the women from getting any new clients.

Among the patients in Post Op are:

  • A Turkish soldier, wounded in his foot, but eager to go back to fighting; his captain, who is convinced he shot himself to avoid combat duty, arrives in Post Op ready to shoot the soldier for cowardice, but Hawkeye and Charles struggle with the captain to get the gun away from him. The struggle finds its way outside, and the captain accidentally shoots himself in the foot, with Hawkeye remarking "Now, that's what a self-inflicted wound looks like".
  • A decorated soldier with a bellyful of crankcase oil; he and his unit took a hill and suffered 30% casualties, then later lost the hill suffering another 40%; he received a medal for both. His unit is planning to take the hill again, but the soldier didn't want to take part, hence drinking the oil, but he believes that he will lose either way, because he now thinks himself a coward. Hawkeye mentions this in his letter to Truman, saying that, "he's damned if he doesn't, dead if he does".
  • A marine who has lost his eyesight after getting drunk on what turned out to be methyl alcohol (aka methanol or "wood alcohol"); Hawkeye tells Klinger about how local moonshiners are now draining out the good alcohol by drilling a hole in the bottom of a bottle, refilling it with methanol, and then resealing the bottle with wax. Klinger quickly and quietly goes into his foot locker pulling out a bottle of booze he just bought. When he finds sealing wax on the bottom, he angrily takes the bottle outside and smashes it on the ground.

Kim Han proves to be a hard worker, and also fancies himself a smooth talker, using a couple of lines on Margaret from the American magazines and movies he has seen, and affectionately calling her "tomato", "doll face", and "toots". Kim Han has an obsession with all things American, so much so that he asks B.J. to perform elective surgery on his eyes, to make them look "like Americans". A horrified B.J. declines, but an undaunted Kim Han wanders off, but not before saying that someone at the 8063rd will do it for him. Hawkeye relays this to Truman in his letter, adding that if the U.S. stays in Korea any longer, they'll "have all of Korea disoriented". Later, Margaret sits down in the Mess Tent next to Kim Han, who is enjoying a meal before he heads off to the 8063rd. She thanks him for all his hard work, but then starts buttering him up, telling him how much better-looking he is compared to the "clumsy young boys" many of the American G.I.s were at his age. She calls Kim Han "a dreamboat", and mentions she'd like to see him in a couple of years, calling him "Tiger". Kim Han takes all this in, and then turns down his ride to the 8063rd. Margaret leaves the Mess Tent, giving a thumbs-up to B.J., signifying that he had told her about what Kim Han had told him.

Once "Operation: Pointless" is complete, the project looks like a small park made from a helipad, with trees, bushes, a park bench, and even "green ground" (which Klinger says should be okay "as long as nobody paints any weeds"). But Margaret feels that there's still something missing that'll give it "oomph" and "pizazz", like a statue or a fountain. But when Klinger rhetorically asks where they can get a fountain in a medical unit, Margaret gets a sudden inspiration.

Colonel Ditka returns to see the 4077th's handiwork, with the park now sporting a fountain made from buckets, empty food cans, hot water bottles, emesis basins, and bedpans, with flowers added for color. Seeing it, Ditka can't help but say, "This thing is ingenious as all get out", and promises that their hot water heater is on the way. Hawkeye relates this crazy scheme to President Truman, adding, "I know you're thinking it's pretty stupid, but no more so than peace talks that are all talk and no peace". He then winds up his letter with a plea for help to bring them all home.

Epilogue[]

Late at night, more wounded arrive in the form of the night ambulance which misses the braking point and crashes into the fountain destroying it.

Gallery[]

Research notes/Fun facts[]

  • Colonel Ditka mentions the 8228th MASH, an actual MASH unit during the Korean War.
  • The ultimate fate of the blinded Marine is never addressed in the episode.
  • Two timeline problems:
    • In this episode, Truman is still President, when Eisenhower should be President.
    • Actual barefoot water skier Charlene Zint Wellborn was in the Newsreel in 1951 - Potter came to MASH 4077 September 19, 1952.

Guest stars/Recurring cast[]

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