No Laughing Matter was the 13th episode of Season 9 of the CBS-TV series M*A*S*H, and the 211th overall series episode. Written by Elias Davis and David Pollock and directed by Burt Metcalfe, it originally aired on February 16, 1981.
Synopsis[]
Hawkeye's challenge to go through a day without telling a joke is complicated by Charles' attempt to curry the favor of a visiting officer - the same man who sent him to the 4077th.
Full episode summary[]
In the Officers Club, B.J. has Hawkeye take a Reader's Digest quiz about how "secure" he is. When B.J. gets to the third question, "Do you find it necessary to deal with serious subjects in a joking manner?" Hawkeye answers no, but B.J. refuses to believe it, citing Hawkeye's incessant penchant for making quips. Hawkeye points out that he likes to make jokes, but only because he wants to, not because he feels the need to, and bets B.J. $10 that he can go 24 hours without making a single joke; B.J. agrees, but stresses that to keep it honest, they are not to tell anyone else.
Winning the bet becomes all the more difficult for Hawkeye when, while in the Mess Tent, B.J. starts making his own cracks about the food being served, and then tempts Hawkeye to saying something amusing, even willing to settle the bet for half, but Hawkeye bites his tongue and refuses to cave.
Meanwhile, Klinger informs Colonel Potter that they are about to get a fact-finding visit from a Lieutenant Colonel Horace Baldwin, whom Potter recalls is the man who transferred Charles to the 4077th from his cushy job at Tokyo General. Potter tries to gently break the news to Charles, but when he becomes dead-set on exacting revenge, Potter directly orders him to stay away from Baldwin and sends him on his way, but Charles warns him that "The last laugh has yet to be laughed, Colonel!" Klinger tries to convince Charles that he can catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar, advising him "the man who sent you here is the man who can take you away from all of this", and also says that, "to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you gotta shovel a lot of manure", but Charles refuses to listen...at first.
That night, Baldwin arrives in camp, and Hawkeye, B.J., and Potter are shocked to see that Charles is now treating him with the utmost courtesy and orders Baldwin to be put up in the VIP tent. Baldwin barely remembers Charles, but is receptive to all his hospitality. In disbelief that "Joe Palooka's turned into Smilin' Jack", a deeply suspicious Potter confronts Charles for his about-face; he candidly admits he's "shoveling a little manure for my 'Tokyo Rose'".
Charles offers to play cribbage with Baldwin, painfully throwing game after game so Baldwin can win back all the money he lost to Winchester in Tokyo. He plies him with his own cache of fine cognac, which Baldwin refers to as top-notch "hooch." Charles keeps trying to steer the conversation back to Tokyo, and how much he misses it. Baldwin pays little attention at first, but then he hints that if Charles can procure him some female companionship at around midnight, he "won't forget it." Though he is repulsed by the idea, Charles heads to Rosie's and hires a lady to send to Baldwin's tent.
At close to midnight, Margaret's relief, Nurse Kellye, comes into Post-Op with some medical reports she plans to give to Colonel Baldwin in the morning, but as he is leaving first thing, Margaret decides to stop off at the VIP tent on the way back to her own tent and drop them off. Baldwin thinks she is the one Charles hired and invites her inside with the lights turned out; though unseen, he is apparently wearing some sort of fetish outfit later described by Margaret as leather pajamas, and a black hood with silver oak leaves on it. Margaret is disgusted and shocked and, from what we hear, causes some kind of bodily harm to Baldwin as he is heard groaning in pain.
Assured of his eventual transfer back to Tokyo, Charles proposes a goodbye toast to Hawkeye and B.J. in the Officers Club, but then Margaret charges in and angrily accuses Charles of pandering and then goes to inform Potter. Moments later, the girl Charles hired to visit Baldwin storms in and, after saying Baldwin yelled at her to get out, demands the money he promised; at first Charles refuses, but when the girl's muscular pimp threatens to break his legs, he coughs up the sawbuck. B.J. is laughing in delight at what is going on, but it is too much for Hawkeye, who leaves before he loses the bet. After the girl and her pimp leave, Baldwin comes in and tells Charles that he is going to falsely accuse Margaret of accosting him, and if Charles corroborates his story, he'll arrange to reassign him to Tokyo General.
Margaret returns with Potter, who demands an explanation. Baldwin tells his lie and then turns to Charles to back him up, but Charles finally admits that Baldwin is lying and reveals the truth. He then levels with Baldwin, admitting he's been sucking up to him, but even for a return trip to Tokyo, he draws the line at lying to protect him while destroying a friend's career, which earns a round of applause from everyone else in the Officers Club. Baldwin beats a quick and cowardly retreat just as Hawkeye gets on the PA system to broadcast a string of jokes about the day's events; it is just after midnight, and Hawkeye has won his secret bet with B.J., so he is now free to say what's been on his mind.
Later, still in the Officers Club, Charles is wallowing in self-pity over losing his big chance to be reassigned to Tokyo. Margaret thanks him for not giving in to Baldwin, saying that he should be proud that he stood up for his principles. With a smile, Charles agrees but then quips, "Well, I certainly won't let that happen again".
Research notes/Fun facts[]
- This episode is one of the very few in which Charles' humanity is on full display to much of the rest of the camp.
- The V.I.P. tent has an attached kennel (apparently also made of canvas) with a sign "Do not feed me."
- Despite the fact that Baldwin nearly molested Margaret, he is allowed to drive away. In contrast, Major Frank Burns, whose (assumed) flirtation with a visiting female Colonel was falsely reported as rape ("House Arrest") is put under arrest. But in Frank's case, the female Colonel (outranking Frank and Henry) actually demands Frank's arrest, while Margaret (a Major, therefore, subordinate to a Colonel) does not. (In real life, Baldwin would have at least been put under arrest for violating Article 133: conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.)
- "Tokyo Rose" was a WWII reference; the nickname was collectively given by Allied troops in the South Pacific to all female English-speaking radio broadcasters of Japanese propaganda.
- Although he says they are drinking 18-year-old cognac, the bottle that Charles and Baldwin are drinking is actually E&J Brandy, a relatively inexpensive bottle of brandy.
Guests/Recurring cast[]
- Robert Symonds as Colonel Horace Baldwin
- Eileen Saki as Rosie
- Jeff Maxwell as Igor Straminsky
- Mae Hi as Korean Woman
- Nathan Jung as Korean Man
- Kellye Nakahara as Kellye
- Uncredited appearances by Jo Ann Thompson (Nurse Jo Ann) and Jennifer Davis (Lieutenant Jennifer).