Tell It to the Marines was the 8th episode of Season 9 of the CBS-TV series M*A*S*H, also the 206th overall series episode. Written by Hank Bradford and directed by Harry Morgan, it originally aired on January 12, 1981.
Synopsis[]
Hawkeye tries to get a compassionate discharge for an immigrant Marine whose mother is being deported before he can get home. Potter leaves Charles in command, and he uses his new position to get himself silk sheets and other "basic necessities of life".
Full episode summary[]
With Potter away at a meeting of the 38th Parallel Medical Society, Charles is left in command of the 4077th, and he immediately puts Klinger to work as his own personal attaché, having him trade for all sorts of fineries, including Wagner records and silk sheets.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye meets Private Jost Van Liter, a wounded Marine and company point man with two Purple Hearts and two Bronze Stars. He is a Dutch immigrant who came to America when his mother married an American, but now that his parents are getting divorced, his mother is about to be deported back to Holland. Van Liter is trying to get discharged a week early so he can at least see his mother in San Francisco before she is forced to leave. He asked his CO, who told him to talk to the Red Cross, but they only reverted Van Liter back to his CO ("A right cross from the Red Cross, and Montezuma's Revenge from the Marines", according to Hawkeye).
With nowhere else to turn, Van Liter told Margaret and Father Mulcahy his problem, and then told Hawkeye, who decides to try to help. He calls LTC Mulholland, Van Liter's CO, but he is unsympathetic, calling Van Liter a "pantywaist" who has "done his duty, no more". Mulholland's only concern is when he will be getting Van Liter back; he refuses to listen to Hawkeye's pleading and hangs up on him.
With Klinger's help, Hawkeye decides to write a letter to Stars & Stripes about Van Liter's problem; the letter turns out to be a florid piece of propaganda full of alliteration. But when Mulholland gets wind of it, he sends two of his MPs to arrest Hawkeye; they drag him to Marine HQ, where Mulholland informs him that he ordered the story killed, and he still refuses to let anyone out early. He then smugly tells Hawkeye, "There's not thing one you can do about it."
Hawkeye is furious that Mulholland can block every military press channel, but then B.J. suggests that Hawkeye should go to the civilian press instead, which Mulholland can't touch. Hawkeye and B.J. go to the press train at Munsan where they meet Murray Thompson, a reporter who decides to take on the story and rewrite it properly. Back in camp, they tell Van Liter that the story has been picked up by every major newspaper on the West Coast, and then point out to him that once people hear about his plight, they'll rally to do something about it, but B.J. and Hawkeye quietly wonder if they have promised too much.
Potter returns to camp to find Klinger hard at work ironing Charles' dress uniform while classical music blares from his office. Potter takes Charles his shirt and pants and, standing behind him unseen, helps Charles into his shirt as he unknowingly insults Potter calling him, "our beloved Colonel Cow Pie". But to his shock, Charles turns around to see Potter standing behind him, and Charles is quickly relieved of command-- and his freshly-pressed trousers. When Winchester asks about his pants, Potter calls it "The Emperor's New Clothes".
Later, Potter is with Hawkeye and B.J. in the Mess Tent discussing the Van Liter situation; his story was finally printed in Stars & Stripes after the stateside papers got hold of it. Mulholland, with his MPs in tow, arrives with a full head of steam and holds Hawkeye responsible for the story, which Hawkeye gladly accepts, and then promises that Van Liter is in for a hard three weeks when he gets him back. Then and there, Hawkeye and B.J. tell Mulholland that Van Liter has come down with the "21-day flu", and will need three weeks to recover. Mulholland refuses to accept it, but when Potter backs up their words- and pulls rank, Mulholland gives in, snidely remarking on how "You doctors always cover for each other, don't you?", to which Hawkeye, using Mulholland's own words against him, replies, "There's not thing one you can do about it". Mulholland leaves, but not without one more sadistic parting shot to Hawkeye and Van Liter, saying that no matter what, "He's still not gonna get home in time to kiss his mommy goodbye!"
But Van Liter is the one who gets the last laugh: Hawkeye later gets a call from Murray Thompson who informs him that the Dutch Consul General in San Francisco has read the story and hired Van Liter's mother as a secretary, giving her diplomatic immunity, which means that now she cannot be deported and will still be in San Francisco when Van Liter returns. Van Liter is overjoyed, thanking everyone, especially Hawkeye, for their help.
Epilogue[]
Klinger feebly tries another discharge scheme by telling Potter his parents are getting divorced and his mother is being deported back to Lebanon, and he must get home to see here ASAP. Potter decides to humor him, and summons his new "boy" to fetch the paperwork--namely, Charles.
Research notes/Fun facts[]
- Upon Potter's return to camp, the music Charles is listening to (which Potter refers to as the "Luftwaffe Serenade") is from the Overture to Wagner's The Flying Dutchman.
- As Hawkeye is dictating the letter to Klinger, he mentions "Truth, justice, and the American way", which is, of course, part of the introduction to The Adventures of Superman, but Klinger initially thought Hawkeye was quoting the Constitution.
- When the Marine MPs arrive to arrest Hawkeye, Klinger leads them into the Swamp, saying "Two down front.. Right this way, Mister First Nighter", which is a reference to the host of The First Nighter Program, a long running radio anthology series that aired from 1930 to 1953. The show aired at different times on Mutual, CBS, and on both NBC's Blue and Red networks during its 23-year run. "Mr. First Nighter" was portrayed by six different actors, including Bret Morrison and Macdonald Carey.
- The actor playing Lt. Colonel Mulholland, Michael McGuire, also played the snobbish Prof. Sumner Sloan on Cheers, about as different a role from this one as possible.
- When Mulholland shakes the newspaper in Hawkeye's face and says "What the hell is this?" Hawkeye replies, "It's black and white, and [read] all over. It's either a newspaper or a suntanned zebra." He misquoted the old joke, however: It should be "sun-burned zebra".
- This marks another episode directed by Harry Morgan where his character is absent for the majority of the episode.
- The majority of B.J.'s lines in this episode are a study in puns and alliteration:
- "Helping out a Dutch boy's perfect for you, Hawk. Holland's full of windmills to tilt at."
- "For shame, Hawkeye. Have you been rotten to the Corps?"
- "You're the toast of the coast, Jost!"
Guest stars/recurring cast[]
- Michael McGuire as LTC Mulholland
- Stan Wells as Private Jost Van Liter
- James Gallery as Murray Thompson
- Denny Miller as M.P.
- Uncredited appearances:
- Kellye Nakahara
- Shari Saba - O.R. and Post Op at the beginning